it’s ok not to be ok…

Apparently as the title suggests it’s not ok. I am either pissed off or scared or just not fine with probably anything.

I am heck tired of falling sick every other day. I feel so drained emotionally that I cannot even comfort my own self, forget about others. I am at loss of words for conversation to him, oh my what can be more dreadful. I wonder if my 30s hormones are doing the trick or I have deficiency of all those vital amines. What ever it is , it is not letting me to be me. At times I am at the tip of outburst and I feel nothing at the other. As weird as it may sound I feel trapped.

There are two people in the world whom I can talk to without being judged or all my secrets are safe with them. One of them is again so don’t like to trouble her every now and then, but the other? I and only I have all rights in the world to trouble him, but sigh , I keep thinking and thinking without uttering a word….! I swear it isn’t deliberately done, but it is happening no matter how much I hate it.

I simply cannot concentrate. There are 100 things running on my mind at any given point of time. I am not reading, not working to best of my capacity , not writing either. I don’t workout, even the stroll or evening walks rare these days, stuck between the corners of the house. I never imagined this can cause nuisance to me.

I just need some fresh air , a good book to read and inline blog post about what I liked in it.

https://youtu.be/SXGMWuJZeeo

Feeling like a drop in the ocean
That don’t nobody notice
Maybe it’s all just in your head
Feeling like you’re trapped in your own skin
And now your body’s frozen
Broken down, you’ve got nothing left

When you’re high on emotion
And you’re losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don’t get lost in the moment
Or give up when you’re closest
All you need is somebody to say

It’s okay not to be okay
It’s okay not to be okay
When you’re down and you feel ashamed
It’s okay not to be okay

Feeling like your life’s an illusion
And lately, you’re secluded
Thinking you’ll never get your chance
Feeling like you got no solution
It’s only ’cause you’re human
No control, it’s out of your hands

When you’re high on emotion
And you’re losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don’t get lost in the moment
Or give up when you’re closest
All you need is somebody to say

It’s okay not to be okay
It’s okay not to be okay
When you’re down and you feel ashamed
It’s okay not to be okay

When you’re high on emotion
And you’re losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don’t get lost in the moment
Or give up when you’re closest
All you need is somebody to say

It’s okay not to be okay (ohh)
It’s okay not to be okay (no, no, no)
When you’re down and you feel ashamed
(When you feel ashamed)
It’s okay not to be okay (no, no)
It’s okay not to be okaySource: LyricFind

nearing the year end…

As this year draws to end, here’s me summing up things gone right and wrong.

I have learnt to gulp down the wave of anger to save relations and make peace with it eventually. I am not he person who would burst out every now and then but it is almost cut down to never now. I talk with who can read between the lines and listen even if I am not saying it a loud and I am all set for trowing it on back burner. I have realized it hard way and big time that inner peace is what matters to me more than anything else. Being at peace end of day and be able to close the eyes after a content conversion with G is recipe of sound sleep for me these days.

To be able to put forward our own opinions in daily affairs is another thing that we both are learning. This learning hasn’t came easy as every one around is under impression that if we haven’t said anything so far, we shouldn’t be saying it any time.We are learning to stand for our decisions and make moves to make things fall in place. It may be sound no deal to some, but it has been so far us fortunately or unfortunately.

I have learnt to make most of the very little time that we are able to spare for each other and for our little one. It is none less difficult than walking on tight rope to reach desired end. Feeling of loosing bond with her is deadliest dreams I have ever seen in my life and even small gist of it runs chill down my spine.I cannot simply take it for anything in the world and is no different for G too. Thought of me and her being real best friends like we both are now is mesmerizing picture I am looking forward to. I know it going to take a lot of every thing and I am all up for it.

I am able to keep up with most of things I have said about in my last post.Taking appropriate actions is straightening up many things for me and I am going to continue on the same path.

I have started reading again, of course something beyond news paper and social media and that is “YAY” thing for me. This needs consistent improvement and I am trying my best to keep up with it.

Now I have sought through most of the real troubling things, another list that needs attention is already here:

1)Teach little-one one new thing every day.

2)Learn something new in technology every single day.

3)Exercise no matter what day it is.

4)Cut down social media time.

5)Plan at-least 2 vacations in a year if not more.

6)Move away from the things that you don’t like -action is all it takes.

7)Practice gratitude and mindfulness.

8)Save more and save right(shop less).

9)Take real good care of skin and hair.

10)Write more.

This it for now,  see you in the new year.

Its me,

Yours truly. 🙂

action is all it takes..!

They say actions speak more than words and so do I believe firmly. Saying something is really not difficult to do and proving that it is not rocket science – it takes DOING IT right off the bat…! Well these are the words of the wisdom I heard from G and  I am still contemplating on them to comprehend and inculcate once and for all. We have been to this point for numerous times by now in the span of four and half years of being married. I have still not managed to tick somethings off the list that are counted as “you don’t do it as you are not capable of doing it” and move them to “I don’t do it because I don’t like doing it. sigh..!

Sure it is not going to take ages to master any of those things as I already said none of it is rocket science and still I took more than 4 years to reach to this realization and actually pull up the socks and get going. I wonder what would I have done if he wasn’t around. Who else on earth has this patience to deal with a stubborn like me who literally took ages to even pay hid to something that is really basic, well for world it is so, if not for me and you. I am head over hills for you buddy, for yet another time. I was under impression that upbringing is all that makes difference, and you proved me wrong. I understand now that it is individuals efforts to see and be beyond the obvious is what all it takes. Nothing else can make this difference.

I was all busy finding common ground and trying move the rock who is more than happy where it is irrespective of the unnecessary wear and tear it has to face. All the genuine effort to bring ease,comfort and to have a support system for each other have gone in-vein.  I kept on taking and giving chances in the hope of improvisation, loosing pieces of my spark all the way. I was so occupied finding and showing ways to feel worthy for those who live as if they took birth on the earth only to feel content in being worthless on the other side of worthiness. Even more unfortunate fact being you are counted as “good for nothing” for the way you try to hold your head high and feel good.

Do I feel lost ?, well it wont be exaggeration if I end up saying that is the only thing I feel these days. What else one could feel if efforts you are making are overlooked if as if it just didn’t happen and you are held responsible for the change that you didn’t plane for even in wildest of your dream. I am really tired of feeling insignificant most of the times and suddenly solely responsible for things I did not do. The more I try to make a place of my own, more it is getting on my nerves out my reach.

To make that difference and to regain all that is lost on the way is all on my list now..!

Until I see you for the next time.

Its me,

yours truly.

clumsy

So here we are at the end of the first week of the new year…! Time is passing by with blink of eye and here I am by stander witnessing it pass by as if it is someone else’s time and life. 😦 

Get up in the morning, hastly finish and leave for the office. Do mundane things and wait for clock to tick 6PM. Leave for home,do the same stuff without change of a thin line and repeat -call it LIFE, Period…!

No matter how hard i am trying to push myself for the baby steps of starting 15 mins early in the morning, big failure it is…!I wonder when did I get this lazy, wasn’t it the same me for whom getting up at any odd hour of the clock was no deal? With this thing in, exercising is turnig to be a distant dream. I really need to loose couple of pounds atleast if not more.

 I downloaded Kindle so that I can get over the feeling of not finding time to buy/read books, book with not even 200 pages is laying in there for month now and I have no wish to complete it. Wasn’t it the same me for whom a night was enough to finish some 100 pages of the book?Where did I loose this will, for what I mean? What did I find worth loosing this so fondly inculcated hobby?Sigh..!

 Same goes with newly subscribed online tech courses, I purchased them so that I can learn on the move, but no i don’t even remember the last time I opened Udyme.This is yet another thing I am just wondering for.Yeah, you got it right, with no action to bring in the change.

Forget new learning and doing things, I tried cleaning up phones playlist so that I can listen what I like and cheer up for a while atleast, hell no, I am not liking a single track on my own playlist. Help ya people, tell me where should I go?

Bottom line :  nothing is turning up yours truly, yeah nowhere is where I am standing. I don’t even feel urge to do something about this dumb phase. Well,what can be more lame than this. 😐 Wait, if you are suggesting me to take a break, i don’t see it coming any soon.

P.S. : To all my besties who can read between the lines, you people exactly know where I am, in dire need of a meet up…

note to self..!

Its a high time that I should get back on the routine. Well by routine I mean “back doing things that I love doing”, otherwise its pretty much a routine that I so desperately want to break out from. It may sound stupid or may be like I am talking infinite loops, but if it so, so be it. Listing is down while I remind myself to get back to all this…
1) Get back to reading habit ASAP
2) Blog regularly, be it be just a lines or two. Do it no matter what.
3)Get the guitar tuned whichever way possible.
4) Prey daily.
5) Whatever is supposed go wrong, is going to go wrong, stop worrying.
6) Get back to the old friends, being married cannot be excuse for losing contacts, you cannot afford it.!
7)Start studying as I have a assessment to complete in the year half  which already has a month passed.
8)Learn to have better control on temper.

I hope I will be able to keep up with all that is listed above.
Till the next time,
Its me
Yours truly

completing two months of madness…!

60 days of being married to you :), nothing less than a roller coaster ride. Exploring you as a life partner is a different experience altogether though you are the same you at core heart.
      Keeping with you in not that easy dude 😉 no I mean seriously :p :p ( I can imagine his face with eyebrows raised whilst reading this line :D). OK the reason I am saying this now is that I have started living with you 24×7( no we still go to office, don’t take it literally). And here goes the list as to why I said it isn’t easy.                             
It is just 15 minutes before you reveal the secret that you want to leave after 15 minutes. Your wify isn’t super women darling, how she is supposed to manage your panic attacks as you get late???

Rimless glasses for week days and full rims for weekends, cannot we have rimless on weekends for a change ? Shouldn’t matter right? 😉

If I miss to answer your call doesn’t necessarily mean I am in trouble. I mean may be I am not near phone, or there are people around and yours truly is stuck with some discussion. Phone may be is placed in bag and I am driving,possible, right? This takes you to the pick of being panic. There cannot be absolutely anything wrong with yours truly as long as you are there, believe me.

Follow ups – I am improving on my food habits as much as I can. Bare with me for that while and slow down follow ups a little, please?

Clothes in your part of wardrobe wander as much as you do, will ya please find a little time help me arrange them? Its 2 months already and I am still clueless of what all you like in it and what you don’t, what is old and what is new. 😦 We really need to find time for this.

And yes last but not the list, try and teas yours truly a little less 😉 🙂

Well I’ll crib about zillion things in years to come as I’ll know you more as a husband, beyond this your love and support are the only eternal things, rest all flies by.
P.S. : It is just the new style of writing that I wanted try, no complaints at all for you honey.
Its me,
Yours truly

life… Is changed for now and for ever…!

Yes it has changed for now and for ever….! For good or bad, better or worse , change is inevitable. I have my share of hiccups for this biggest so far change and the husband is only hope,support, love and every possible thing. He is the only thing that has not changed. It takes me while to recognize that people are talking about “Him”, addressing him as my “Husband” as for me nothing has changed in him. I wonder and even envy him for the ease that he has to accept and live with it all. Or should say things are not changed for him to the extent they are changed, changing and will continue to be so for me? Well I am not sure if it is so. I feel kind of lost these days, cannot find “The Me time or The him time”. Looking forward to settle down quickly…!