Its all about thats on my mind…….


October 2015

travelling down memory lane

It was annuals night here in the office yesterday. Lovely performances made the evening. It was good to see that people still make out time for hobbies other than work of course ;).
And that particular dance performance (read lazy dance) reminded me of that besti  “S”.
In the flow of time and race of life I have  learn to leave without fellows who were that very important for me at a point of time. I have not imagined that we would be this far in the deadliest dream even. Destiny is something that has hold on thses things I believe. Not that I miss the person this often or even remember that often or distance hurts me but there are times where my mind travels this lane without my notice. Parting away is always difficult and for no reason is even more than that.
They say every bad situation/thing has something good in it. My mind is dwelling on this line and yes I find a good thing in the situation. Though we aren’t together – all contact less, we weren’t parted on the bad note or fight in between us. Don’t know about the other side but whenever I think of this person , I wish him all good, no yelling no blames. I am not scared to travel the memory lane for this person. What I have down this lane is all wonderful memories.
I miss the person on this note.

Ful khilate hai log milate hai..
Ful khilate hai log milate hai..
Patjhad me jo ful murjha jate hai,
Wo baharo ke aane se khilate nahi..
Ek roj kuch log jo bichad jate hai,
Wo hajaro ke aane se aate nahi…
Ek bar chale jate hai jo dino raat subah shaam,
Wo fir nahi aate.. Wo fir nahi aate….!


deprived of the – Self Esteem…!

Is this the best to put this logic? oh no may be there is something better than this as well, well may be not this is it that can be done here. Will this amount of spice be more than required? oh no that may ruin my curry making it over spicy..! Will it be less if I reduce the quantity? that may end up making it taste less. :/ Will this amount of salt be sufficient? if it happens to be less/more, that will spoil husband’s lunch. Is this the right place to put this thing? will it look good? or someone will make a laugh of it? may be this is not the right place then, well there is no other place left either to place this thing. Will this hair style look good on me? may be not? I don’t look good at all these days. The charm on the face is all gone.., where  – Well that’s the million dollar question. What if I speak out what all I feel? will that result into an argument no matter what the place is and who is the person I want to speak this out to, and if I don’t this is so very unfair to my own self. If I decide to do XYZ thing, how would everyone around me be taking it? adamant decision? or may be they will start perceiving me as a most selfish girl on the earth who hardly thinks/cares for any one else which is not the reality then. So is keeping mum the only option? how do I improvise? Well well well this is where yours truly is stuck into. Zillion questions and perhaps I don’t have answer for even the single of it.

I am totally deprived of the self esteem. I am not able to value my own self , no wonder if any one else opts to not value my worth either. Thinking deep down the this very line I could mark a thing – I am scared of the arguments…! this is it. I really scare for those loud voices, I scare the sarcastic comments made amongst 10 odd people around. I scare for my perception that others will make, others include at least people who I count on as a mine if not the entire world. I scare that special comment when people say “She is no more that old “S”, she has changed so much these days, walking 2 inches up above the earth. Well people believe me one of the hardest thing  I have done and been doing keeping my inner self the same. It really get on my nerves when I read such things from any one of yours behavior, comments, glances etc. Please for heavens sake spare me of this, I am scared that I may loose that my self if not till but now for these special things done to me.

I know I am over  thinker. But then this how I am..!

Letting it go – Learned…!

For yet another time I am neither sure of a title nor the context where I should start writing this post.
Time really flies by and I am more of a by stander, just watching the things pass by. Cannot get hold of any of the things happening. Only thing I can think of good for that matter is I am learning to letting the things go. Ahhh such a relief it is..! I have been pushing my self hard to inculcate this thing. Believe me it was no easy. No more pretention of the being not angry, I can manage to be normal in most of the most crazy and chaotic situations. Just listing down few bullets :
1) You are the only person in charge of your happiness, no one else,absolutely no one can control it.
2) Your reaction to a situation is more of problem than the actual situation.
3) Letting go the things heals more and quicker
4) If you cannot run – walk, if you cannot walk – crawl, moving is what that matters..!
5) keep dreaming, it does not cost any thing 😀
6) Keep learning,no matter how small the thing is. Joy of learning is un-parallel
7) If you start doing the things you don’t like or hate almost with little grace, you start liking it. – Personal Experience
8) Be the change you want.
9) Relationships are like trees, you have to nurture them when they are small,keep guarding and once they get the pace of growing, you never realize when they grew so large. (Yet to experience this 😉 )

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