My mind is dwelling on thought of managing them all for quite sometime now and no other therapy is working to get over these thoughts. So I am here to pen the chaos down for yet another time and hopefully it would free up some space up on my mind.

I am not sure which one takes priority over the other , more I think about it, more it pushes me to agree that all of them are equally important, no matter how many of us agree/disagree  to it. From what I get to hear all around when I am home is – Personal Family is what counts ONLY, reason being  family is what is going to come along with you for rest of your life. My question is , do they really?? I have been and I am going through phases of my life where I see people clearly stand aside whom I count on as family when I refuse to choose the same old paths to lead the life, when I even just try to explain what my definitions are for success, life, companionship, career and a WEEKEND. So if this is what I am clearly experiencing for a smallest thing like how a weekend should be spent, should I let this only category of so called life take control of who I am? Why should I let this happen at all? and why should I put my every single aspiration on back burner and thrive upon what my family life is offering me to live with? True that all those matter whom I live with, who raised me to who I am today and who are helping me survive with whatever I am up to. No thank you is going to be enough for them all if I am to say so .  But then I am not able to convince my self to take them upon my life. No matter I am a girl or a boy , if I am capable of doing something more than what I am supposed to do or if I am good at doing something else but what tradition defines me to do, why I shouldn’t do that? For how many more ages we going to follow and emphasis  next generations to follow what the past generations were following ? I am not denying the duties , I am surely not the person who is scared of responsibilities and  duties, but is I am expecting out of the world if I decide to A thing former and B later because it helps me feel better and at the control of things?  To quote precise example , I would not like to worship because someone from my family is doing it for ages now.  I understand it is not a bad thing at all, but why am I supposed do it all that is not bad? Is it compulsory to do all that is society counts as good to be counted as a good human being? Sure that I am not atheist, I believe in this super natural power. Rather I am not grown spiritually enough to comment on if such thing exists or not, but why it is a criteria to it to be counted as good? Isn’t simply being generous to others  enough to be good?  And why on the earth we all want others to count on us good ? I mean why is that need there? Isnt the feeling enough to survive that I am doing no harm to any one else if not pleasing all others around as it  is what defines impossible ? I don’t know for others,but I have moved on for the concepts of good and bad. I have spent enough time of my life thinking of what others think as good and bad and I really don’t have more time to spend on it. Bottom line is yes, family and personal life counts equally as ones professional and social life provided they contribute to your growth as human and not limit it. Its clear waste otherwise 😐

Now comes the professional life. Don’t let it suck life out of you. Its a message to my own self.  Sure we perceive it to be financially stable and grow doing what we really like. What if it is contributing for your financial stability and stalling your growth completely? Should one still continue as finance is what matters in real life and it has made you paralyzed enough to take it as it is and putting growth a side? Or we just follow what society calls growth?, in that case we are on super track as we are growing wealthier no matter how much we are frustrated, tired, bored at the end of  day :|.  A BIG no to whatever is not letting you live and just following wherever you go. I very well understand that it is simple said than done because society and life here is finance driven but the one should understand the break point and do what is right without caring if they call you rebel.

Last but not the least one , The Social Life. Let me make a point, it not about being patient of stay connected syndrome and posting all good memories on each others wall posts. It is about meeting in person once in a while at least, ,may be just to ask how are you doing? I know text message is the easiest way to do this , but it is no feel par say at all. I know it is impossible to see each other daily or even once in a while, but then that is needed, ain’t it? I feel a need of it no matter how I am finding it difficult to have. This as well contributes to my growth as human.

For me all that matters and counts that contributes me to grow as human. At the end what is going to matter for me is if I lived the life of my thoughts and not how many people I managed to please and how I am hero as I scarified all my wills and wishes. Sure I wont deliberately hurt/annoy/dishonor any of you,. but if it happens as after effect of living my definitions of life , I don’t have anything else than a sincere apology., I cannot stop being who I am and die in the regret of what I so wanted to do but didn’t …!