Is this the best to put this logic? oh no may be there is something better than this as well, well may be not this is it that can be done here. Will this amount of spice be more than required? oh no that may ruin my curry making it over spicy..! Will it be less if I reduce the quantity? that may end up making it taste less. Will this amount of salt be sufficient? if it happens to be less/more, that will spoil husband’s lunch. Is this the right place to put this thing? will it look good? or someone will make a laugh of it? may be this is not the right place then, well there is no other place left either to place this thing. Will this hair style look good on me? may be not? I don’t look good at all these days. The charm on the face is all gone.., where – Well that’s the million dollar question. What if I speak out what all I feel? will that result into an argument no matter what the place is and who is the person I want to speak this out to, and if I don’t this is so very unfair to my own self. If I decide to do XYZ thing, how would everyone around me be taking it? adamant decision? or may be they will start perceiving me as a most selfish girl on the earth who hardly thinks/cares for any one else which is not the reality then. So is keeping mum the only option? how do I improvise? Well well well this is where yours truly is stuck into. Zillion questions and perhaps I don’t have answer for even the single of it.
I am totally deprived of the self esteem. I am not able to value my own self , no wonder if any one else opts to not value my worth either. Thinking deep down the this very line I could mark a thing – I am scared of the arguments…! this is it. I really scare for those loud voices, I scare the sarcastic comments made amongst 10 odd people around. I scare for my perception that others will make, others include at least people who I count on as a mine if not the entire world. I scare that special comment when people say “She is no more that old “S”, she has changed so much these days, walking 2 inches up above the earth. Well people believe me one of the hardest thing I have done and been doing keeping my inner self the same. It really get on my nerves when I read such things from any one of yours behavior, comments, glances etc. Please for heavens sake spare me of this, I am scared that I may loose that my self if not till but now for these special things done to me.
I know I am over thinker. But then this how I am..!